red dwarf


I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass.

Cat: You can't have my shiny thing.  I found it, it's my shiny thing.
Rimmer: What are you driveling about?
Cat (producing yoyo): This is my shiny thing.  And if you try and take it off
me I may have to eat you.

Meckles, heckles, hackles, schmeckles, whatever the hell they are,
they're up right now and pointed at you, bud!

Cat:    My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry! Man, I just
        /have/ to eat!
Lister: Shhhhh. Not now, man. Rimmer's dad's died! 
Cat:    I'd prefer chicken! 

     This is mine; that's mine.. I'm claiming all this as mine ...
     except that bit.  I don't want that bit.  But all the rest of this
     is mine!  Hey, this has been a good day!  I've eaten five times, I've
     slept six times, and I'd made a lot of things mine!  Tomorrow I'm going
     to see if I can't have sex with something!

  (walks out of closet) He won't find that one -- not until he changes his boots. 
  (sees Lister, hides his face) "Did you see him clearly? Did you get a good look at his
  face? Could you spot him in a parade?"  I don't think so -- that could have been anybody!


Mr. Flibble's very cross

Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit.  I'm ALIVE!!!!! 
(smashes his hands on crates of explosives and is blown to bits)

I just want to say: over the years, I have come to regard you as ... people I met.


Don't give me this Star Trek crap, it's too early in the morning.

Life's a bitch, now smeg off, I'm busy.

Can't you tell the story is not gripping me?  I am in a state of
non-gripness.  I am completely smegging ungripp-ed!

Oh smeg.  What the smeggin smeg's he smeggin done?

No way are these my boxer shorts -- these bend!

That's rich, you know, coming from Miss Yo-Yo Knickers.

I am not pished


Lister: You ok, man?
Kryten: I'm fine, thank you, Susan.

   Frankenstein was the creator -- not the monster.  It's a common
   misconception, held by all truly stupid people.

Cat:    What? Am I the only sane one here? Why 
don't we drop the defensive shields? 
Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One: We don't have any defensive shields, 
        and Two: We don't have any defensive shields. Now, I realise that, technically speaking, that's only 
        one flaw, but I thought that it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice. 

   Damage control report: Dehydration level 45%; Recall of previous
   evening 2%; Embarrassment factor 91%!  Advise repair schedule:
   Reboot startup disk, offline for 36 hours and replace head.
   Boy! What a night!

Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode.  

 Kryten personal blackbox recording.  Time: unknown.  Location: unknown.
 Cause of accident: unknown.  Should someone find this recording, perhaps
 it will shed light as to what happened here.  My short-term memory has
 been erased.  This I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from
 Starbug's rear engine.  Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic
 coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased.  This, combined
 with the erasure of my short-term memory, has left me a little disoriented

I wouldn't trust you to open a can of sardines that was already open


I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an I.Q. of 6000 - the same I.Q. as 6000 P.E. teachers. 

    Appreciate what you've got because basically I'm fantastic.

It's a mistake any deranged, half-witted computer coulda made.

    Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice-recognition unicycle! 
    Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! 
    Repeat: This is not a daffodil!

Holly:  I'm the nearest thing you can get to infullible.
Lister: Infallible.
Holly:  Exactly.

    I was in love once -- a Sinclair ZX-81.  People said, "No, Holly,
    she's not for you."  She was cheap, she was stupid and she wouldn't
    load -- well, not for me, anyway

Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah!

    Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness.
    The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is
    the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.