red dwarf

Cat: 

I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass.

Cat: You can't have my shiny thing.  I found it, it's my shiny thing.
Rimmer: What are you driveling about?
Cat (producing yoyo): This is my shiny thing.  And if you try and take it off
me I may have to eat you.

Meckles, heckles, hackles, schmeckles, whatever the hell they are,
they're up right now and pointed at you, bud!

Cat:    My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry! Man, I just
        /have/ to eat!
Lister: Shhhhh. Not now, man. Rimmer's dad's died! 
Cat:    I'd prefer chicken! 

     This is mine; that's mine.. I'm claiming all this as mine ...
     except that bit.  I don't want that bit.  But all the rest of this
     is mine!  Hey, this has been a good day!  I've eaten five times, I've
     slept six times, and I'd made a lot of things mine!  Tomorrow I'm going
     to see if I can't have sex with something!

  (walks out of closet) He won't find that one -- not until he changes his boots. 
  (sees Lister, hides his face) "Did you see him clearly? Did you get a good look at his
  face? Could you spot him in a parade?"  I don't think so -- that could have been anybody!

Rimmer: 

Mr. Flibble's very cross

Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit.  I'm ALIVE!!!!! 
(smashes his hands on crates of explosives and is blown to bits)

I just want to say: over the years, I have come to regard you as ... people I met.



Lister: 

Don't give me this Star Trek crap, it's too early in the morning.

Life's a bitch, now smeg off, I'm busy.

Can't you tell the story is not gripping me?  I am in a state of
non-gripness.  I am completely smegging ungripp-ed!

Oh smeg.  What the smeggin smeg's he smeggin done?

No way are these my boxer shorts -- these bend!

That's rich, you know, coming from Miss Yo-Yo Knickers.

I am not pished



Kryten: 

Lister: You ok, man?
Kryten: I'm fine, thank you, Susan.

   Frankenstein was the creator -- not the monster.  It's a common
   misconception, held by all truly stupid people.

Cat:    What? Am I the only sane one here? Why 
don't we drop the defensive shields? 
Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws. One: We don't have any defensive shields, 
        and Two: We don't have any defensive shields. Now, I realise that, technically speaking, that's only 
        one flaw, but I thought that it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice. 

   Damage control report: Dehydration level 45%; Recall of previous
   evening 2%; Embarrassment factor 91%!  Advise repair schedule:
   Reboot startup disk, offline for 36 hours and replace head.
   Boy! What a night!

Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode.  

 Kryten personal blackbox recording.  Time: unknown.  Location: unknown.
 Cause of accident: unknown.  Should someone find this recording, perhaps
 it will shed light as to what happened here.  My short-term memory has
 been erased.  This I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from
 Starbug's rear engine.  Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic
 coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased.  This, combined
 with the erasure of my short-term memory, has left me a little disoriented

I wouldn't trust you to open a can of sardines that was already open


 Holly: 

I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an I.Q. of 6000 - the same I.Q. as 6000 P.E. teachers. 

    Appreciate what you've got because basically I'm fantastic.

It's a mistake any deranged, half-witted computer coulda made.

    Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice-recognition unicycle! 
    Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! 
    Repeat: This is not a daffodil!

Holly:  I'm the nearest thing you can get to infullible.
Lister: Infallible.
Holly:  Exactly.

    I was in love once -- a Sinclair ZX-81.  People said, "No, Holly,
    she's not for you."  She was cheap, she was stupid and she wouldn't
    load -- well, not for me, anyway

Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah!

    Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness.
    The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is
    the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.